today’s Musing written and published from
Morning walk: -10C/13F, just a few clouds we walked down the path, to the lagoon, so serene, peaceful, mountain views spread out - like a painting on a easel – then noise of morning broke the precious quiet; shattered by reality of people getting on with just another ordinary Monday.
Recent encounters, like my dad’s hospital stay (he’s back home and doing well), some watching and learning from others; many long talks with old friends and new ones too, those who saw it coming, and those who didn’t - about their losses have given me some new thoughts on life, death, and moving onward.
We live life. Then it ends. Whether or not we’ve achieved our stated goals, when we are done, we are done. So, what can we do, if anything, to help someone left behind? For those who’ve seen life taken early, taken swiftly; it never gives anything back no matter how long they wait for it to come. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. Not knowing which to do must be suffering’s worst form - to understand, but to be powerless.
We can read of pain; cutting our finger, breaking our arm, or having our body sliced open to remove bad parts. I’ve been cut, broken and cut open. I’ve not been burned, but I know someone who was. I’ve not been terrorized, but I know someone who was. I’ve not been bereaved, not lost a lover, but I know someone who has. I’ve not been left behind or tossed aside, but I know people who have been. I’ve been told of how slow wrenching torture put on its show for those watching life become death – despite love and caring and all doctors do, that wasn’t enough and death won.
I don’t know him, didn’t know him, but I’ve come to know someone he left behind; my thinking on death, dying, loss and so many other elements of life has been profoundly changed. I don’t know much, from my own experience, of pain, loss of love or much about life lost. I thought I did, but recent revelations proved my understanding was poor at best.
Pain and loss; I can’t possibly now its depth of hurt or breadth of its terror. It is beyond the reach of any hugs, squeezes and touches I offer, beyond affect of kind words, willing ears. I think I can try, and I try, but I just can’t expect by efforts to be effective. It has been put to me – by wounded, of the wounded - that talking of their pain, of their loss, feels selfish. I’m no head Dr., but I believe letting it out - small leaks or in big gobs - has to be good somehow. Not spectacle, but wound to be bandaged, and to be healed.
Life, left alone is pain; to never again listen to them speak, or hear them breathe in the middle of the night. Does it make a difference, the alone part, if the person is dead and gone, or if they are just gone somewhere else? Of course, but laying alone at night in the middle of the bed, middle of the night, now feels more alone and empty than I’ve ever felt.
All we can do, in my view, is to love someone. How long does that last? It lasts as long as the love lasts, and if that lasts longer than the person, then when does love rest or end or grow again? I’ve read much great prose and memorable quotes on this subject and they tell me love is the answer – it fixes everything, like a 3-IN-ONE oil for the heart.
Maybe we should just pour love on it, and it will get better. I believe and trust that. Even when the evidence seems thin, it makes the sun rise, and lets light stream in where darkness lives. Maybe love is not the answer, but it seems to me to be the only fixer, only potion, only medicine to mend such wounds.
Mark Kolke
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February 21 Comments
February 21 – BEING THE WATER – Emotion feeds the mind which feeds more emotion to feed the mind. How to break the cycle? How can you get to sleep at night? Stop THINKING. Take an internal, mind vacation. Turn off the switch, empty the tank, pull the plug, refuse to go there. After you have settled, when the twist in your stomach has gone, explore with your mind what the emotion was really all about. Hang in there buddy. Sight can only reach the horizon. Just beyond, where you cannot see, there is joy, LP, Wailuku, HI
February 21 – BEING THE WATER - I always have words and I can think of many today to describe the depth, breadth, the soulstitched and understitched beauty of your musing. No matter where I've been or what I've experienced in life, I think I would have been better, if I had known that someone could express what you expressed today. I have never known better that there is company where I go alone, when I have insoluble problems. First, as to "OK". Laughed, remembering a similar discussion with you about "Fine", more than a few years ago, further remembering a formidable junior high English teacher. "But, if we let that feeling go, let that hurt slide by, then it’s just water." "ice and snow or tears sometimes, beneath my feet, or a salty spray on some Hawaiian shore splashing.." Yours is a fairy tale like no other. Only a few could live so true, no matter. Isn't that what fairy tales are about? Wow to your writing---and WOW to you as a human being. Water seeks its own level and that's just what you're doing, despite that you're on a different level, VJP,
February 21 – BEING THE WATER - Unfortunately I've missed some of your writings, but from today's and a previous one I'm guessing that your love has not worked out.(Forgive me if I'm wrong, and I hope I am.).That has happened to me a few times, but now I am with the one I met 42 years ago, and although I would not describe us as passionate, we are comfortable, for the most part. So I would say to you, love will come again, judging from the past you've shared with us, EG, Calgary, AB
February 21 – BEING THE WATER - Sometimes, when we leave one relationship and start another, we are waiting desperately for the confirmation that we made the right decision. So much so that we may push the new one in hopes of getting that confirmation. I’m very impatient and familiar with this. I think you’ve followed your heart, and I don’t think that could lead you in the wrong direction. By the way, at least for women, the work OK is much better than “FINE”. When I say I’m fine, I’m usually anything but. But OK is good, KH, Stuart, FL
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