today’s Musing written and published from
Morning walk: -11C/11F, clear calm and chilled; Gusta enjoyed the sprint, morning traffic was busy (church-goers) and lap dogs were plentiful.
I enjoyed the 180 degree contrast with the depth of darkness all night – there is so much light, everything can be clearly seen …. if not understood. Much thought, and a few conclusions:
What appears wrong is not always what is wrong. What appears wrong might just be a symptom, consequence, or something totally unconnected with what is really wrong. And, once we find what is wrong, is it really wrong? Or right? Or, is there a difference?
Let’s examine what’s wrong, OK? I’m told Rene Descartes sat up, long into night, in search of answers to the deepest of life’s questions. Obviously he didn’t have a day job to be fresh for, or maybe he just did that on weekends. He wrote: ‘If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.’
Last night, this was doubter’s paradise here, my night filled with so much doubt, and in the morning clarity came. Some sleep was involved, but not much. Let’s start by examining a word – OK, OK? What does that word mean?
My research indicates: Okay, OK, is an English word denoting approval, assent, or acknowledgment. As an adjective it means 'adequate', 'acceptable' ("this is okay to send out"), often in contrast to 'good' ("the food was okay"); it also functions as an adverb. "Okay" can also be used to defuse a situation or to calm someone ("It's okay, it's not that bad"). As interjection, it can denote compliance ("Okay, I will do that"), or agreement ("Okay, that's good"). It does not modify any other particular word, but rather reinforces the general point being made, particularly if that point is being called into question.
OK, I get that, but what does ‘OK?’ mean. Do you see my problem? I have love in me to give, but suddenly wonder if the heart I want to give it to will remain open for business – remaining capable – just not yet ready, able, or willing to give to me in a similar way. I feel, not like a turtle retreating to shell but more like a sundial on a cloudy day, when light is flat, when it is late, there is nothing to be seen - unable to see sunshine, or shed light or shadow. It was late. I felt so cold, so suddenly. My feet, got cold. My thoughts, colder still.
Am I OK? This makes me sad; such a beautiful flower may not want my water or to see my sunshine; maybe such a precious treasured one won’t need what I offer, or want it once given, this thought made me suddenly and profoundly so sad. Sleep cycles still undulating – landscape seems to be changing without notice; sunny this morning, but I woke having trouble seeing it. I’m so sorry, so changed, so withdrawn from where I was. Was it just the ‘fullness of time’ unfolding, or some bad mix of food and coffee, fatigue and frustration; when did it happen?
Regret and disappointment tore up the night, but then it subsided, got clearer; was I right or wrong about anything, or was I just cold? I kept waking, and writing; then going back to bed, but later finding I’d made my way back to keyboard once again; fighting thoughts and fears to find right words to write, to better answer that question: OK?
THAT, was the question: OK? . . . No, I’m not OK.
Get this picture; of wild surf crashing on rocks. Some days I am observer, some days I am the rocks; today I feel like the surf that crashes on the rocks, over and over and over again and isn’t broken by them.
The surf keeps coming, and no matter what harsh reality those rocks represent, they do not hurt the water. The water keeps coming back, the water is always there – constant, unwavering, ready to change form, from steamy spray to frozen and back again.
I’m not OK, I’m in a very different state than that; Mandela’s favorite poem, Invictus, helped me overnight. I have not known difficulty of suffering as Henley did; we are all suffering from life – and we should stop the very thought of suffering or feeling victim of anything anyone does, any question anyone asks and simply appreciate how lucky we all are to have ourselves, and to have each other.
The likelihood that anyone will feel the same way I do, or that you do – ever - is so remote. We need to feel what we feel, and recognize that we and our feelings are just the water being poured on those rocks. No harm comes to us from that, unless we let our minds go a little nuts – then it seems to hurt. But, if we let that feeling go, let that hurt slide by, then it’s just water.
I like to think that my water could be ice and snow or tears sometimes, beneath my feet, or a salty spray on some Hawaiian shore splashing my face. Life, and love, are not about being OK or getting what we want. They are about feeling how we feel, about people, issues, ideas and being the water, not the rock.
My fairy tale isn’t over; it’s just beginning. It involves me, my thoughts, memories, loves and lovers, my past, my present, my future - it involves ideas and hopes, dreams . . . and late night pondering.
Mark Kolke
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RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to: mark.kolke@frameyourmessage.com
February 20 Comments
February 20 – TEAM MEETING – Let me know how the debrief turns out. We should have a pint to discuss. Toastmasters works indeed!, KL, Calgary, AB
February 19 - ARE YOU COVERED – Dearest M: Love Insurance...OMG what a concept! Sign me up!! Still struggling. .how can I still be pining for someone who disrespected me ? I keep thinking I must fix something with ME. Have seen him a few times which has only made the whole situation more painful. I am so overwhelmed these days ... Well...have a lovely evening and I look forward to hearing from you at your convenience. Fondly, JH,
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