THE WAY WE ARE - Mark’s Musing Monday Jan. 25, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -12C/9F, overcast, steady north breeze; Gusta, the shedding machine, loves the conditions and weather appropriate for her winter coat, great walk, no critter encounters …

 

When I wake – middle of night, make a note or wrestle mental wanderings; I wonder, were they real, the sleepy stupor of barely awake?  Did fairy tale nymphs walk by? Was that a dream?  Last night, waking, rolling over, one-eye-spy clock to realize it was not morning at all; 2:37AM; wondering in groggy state, if what I see and feel is real or just the fog of getting up to pee.

 

I’ve caused pain (felt it too) from time to time and place to place; felt joy too.  Joy is better.  Memory, in minds of those truly hurt, feeling/saying they were hurt – focus on pain larger than it was, forgetting for now the joys and elements that worked well.

 

Was it bad of me to stay so long?  Would I have been more right to leave sooner?  Sure. Done again, I’d look for different solutions to an untenable situation.  Would it have been good to go sooner, or stayed longer – to have fought, squabbled, argued more, cried more, yelled some?   I’m certain none of that would have helped, but only hurt more, and longer.

 

As compelling and powerful, for those who grieve losses from other perspectives, tending to forget or diminish pains; putting greater weight on the joys, and memories of those joys – missing that magic, those joys and love of the partner who left.

 

Neither scenario contains an ounce of perfection; it is just how these things work. A quest - to understand – relentless for some, driven by need to understand, dissect issues and, for some, to beat others up with the discomfort. I’ve done it, had it done, seen it done. It occupies minds, tainted by point of view, pays little attention to facts but lots to feeling.

 

I’m one part insensitive, one part oblivious, one part hopeless romantic, one part cad, one part brilliant, one part idiot – and one part male.  One part son, one part father.  One part friend, one part lover.  One part romantic, one part rogue. One part contented, one part restless.  One part happy, one part sad. 

 

Thoughts, time lines, truth and untruth, caused grief for me and others; I don’t know clear answers, so, it’s hard to offer simple ones, for anyone. When did I know it would no longer work – and when did I know something new would?  Things happen to be the way they happen to be. I believe we resist acceptance of reality, drawn easily back to how we wish it had been, and illusions that go with that.  Waking up, to reality, is not about getting up; it’s about getting it - realizing things are the way things are, that we are the way we are. 

 

If, one day, I wake, in the middle of the day or middle of night – to have figured it all out – then the glory will be in that day, when finally, at last, it will all make sense to me.  

 

I’ll die happy one day, if I understand love.  Many things I know, I clearly get it, but love – both lost and found – eludes my full understanding. I’ll keep working on it by day, and in the middle of the night.

 

Mark Kolke

325,036

196.4

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

January 24 Responses 

 

January 24 – CONVERSATION, ON MY MIND – Mark, you have successfully proven Pavlov's theory with your musing today...got me drooling, anyway.  The Maui Portuguese Cultural Club makes a Stone Oven Baked, Cinnamon Bread that you will need to try once you are established here.  It is available only once a month as part of their monthly, scholarship fundraiser. Try slices of this as French Toast...topped with (Passion Fruit) Lilikoi Butter and a little Coconut Syrup...with a side of Portuguese Sausage.  Ho, Braddah...Broke-da-mouth ono!  Guaranteed to induce an immediate Jake Shimabukuru Tummy Dance followed by "Polynesian Paralysis" for the rest of the day...(Note) Not to be eaten 2 hours before operating heavy equipment or expecting a profitable day at work, LP, Wailuku, HI

 

January 24 – CONVERSATION, ON MY MIND - Conversation. That is how we exchange experiences and ideas. For instance, this weekend I had a very carefully planned trip to Ottawa to see my 4 1/2 year-old granddaughter I hadn't seen in 4 years, and attend a one day medical conference at the same time. What I didn't plan for was the cold I came down with (a rare occurrence for me). My daughter and one of the presenters also had it. I also bought a little digital camera with all kinds of capabilities and 160 pages of instructions so I could photograph her adequately and take a video with sound. What I didn't plan for is that I would fail to master its intricacies in time (I usually use a Wal-Mart $6 throw-away camera where you can't go wrong) Oh well, I am a determined fellow and will master it in time. I also got to have breakfast with a young man who spent many years in my household as the son of my ex-wife. He has done very well for himself as a civil servant (director-general of some department) So, my granddaughter is beautiful, I read bedtime stories to her. I talked to a lot of people. Communication, that's what I call it, EG, Calgary, AB