Mark Is Musing

IN THE PALMS OF YOUR OWN HANDS - Mark’s Musing Thursday Jan. 21, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -6C/20F, freezing fog (the only nice thing about the fog is that it is less thick than when I came home last night); Gusta and I tried one of those neighborhood-connector paths, reaching down toward a ravine . . it felt like being in a car over-driving its lights, unable to see where we were going until we were there.

 

This morning, in a clear place or in the fog right here, are you ready to travel over the horizon, venture down new paths - too foggy to see where you are going, unable to see past headlight range while traveling much faster than that – venturing into the unknown, feeling safely confident in your steering ability, thrilled to see what is coming on the next straight away, after some sharp turns and up a rise . .  .

 

Benjamin Franklin wrote: ‘Like a man traveling in foggy weather, those at some distance before him on the road he sees wrapped up in a fog, as well as those behind him, an also the people in the fields on each side, but near him all appears clear, though in truth he is as much in the fog as any of them.’

 

By now (my age), most people have completed their life’s work; whether retirement time from a job or end of brilliant career, so many people my age, stage of life, are hanging up their skates, turning in their tools of the trade, retiring, moving off into some sunset. While I certainly want to move ‘toward the sunset’, stopping is not on my agenda.

 

The game of life, the one we all play, will end one day – but shouldn’t, first, before we resign ourselves to anything; shouldn’t we give life another shot, another shot in the arm, another effort, another bold step .. or two?  Where’s the harm? Imagine the benefit?

 

Heart rate will rise, that’s good for us.  Nerve will be tested, that’s good.  Tempers will flare, and subside, and flare again – emotions will run high, depth of thought and breadth of purpose will be renewed.  Do you believe it?

 

Believe it! ..race off a cliff, emotionally, to see where your next adventure will take you; embrace it, thirst for it, make it happen. Trust me, leaping alone is great, even greater if you have someone’s hand to hold while you do it …. trusting you are in good hands, the best hands, your self.  So, reach around behind, grab a cheek with each hand – you now hold your future in the palms of your own hands, the ultimate tush-gab.  Grab, lift, push-off, leap off that cliff, test your wings … you can fly wherever you want, from there to here and back again, just by wishing it so.

 

As many of my contemporaries are considering themselves done, I feel I am just beginning; with childlike naïveté in some things, grizzled veteran in others – the leaping off point has come, the cusp of change is here, the next new thing is on the way; so, are your bags packed?

 

Mark Kolke

325, 132

195.8

 

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

January 20 Responses 

 

January 20 – LEAVE US FOREVER CHANGED –   The tone of your musings suggests to me that you are moving forward ..with almost a spring in your step.  Do you have any coping strategies you might share with moi?  I am not doing that well emotionally. I am sad and have such trouble concentrating. It doesn't help that he keeps txting, and calling & e-mailing...trying to get back into my life. I have tried being so busy , that I can hardly breathe and conversely I have sat isolated and quiet for extended periods of time...neither have served me well.  I suppose time is my best friend, unless you know of some magic bullet. Glad to hear you & Gusta have settled in your new digs! thinking of you, Fondly, JH, Kelowna, BC

LEAVE US FOREVER CHANGED - Mark’s Musing Wednesday Jan. 20, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -4C/24F, overcast, calm, sidewalks marginally safer –– morning rush was underway, bus-stop crowd attracted Gusta’s attention as she continues to inspect the neighborhood.

 

An infrequent trip to far NE afforded a stop for great bread, as all long trips should; T & T Supermarket for awesome bread/buns on way back; yesterday’s trip to Lougheed to meet reassuring new vascular surgeon. My dad’s green lighted till next check in 6 months. An old wound still healed, circulation (lack of it) remains adversary, stents in good repair.

 

Surgery scars, evidence something got fixed; long life leaves these on us. Other scars, from other causes, reflect life lived; cuts, burns or surgeon’s trail, heat break and heart ache – they leave scars just the same – revealing pain, regret, resignation or ‘oops’.

 

Each time we venture, to something new; we might crash, or burn – or be consumed by glory blazes of joy. Indelible impression left, like trail to follow – surface scar for everyone to see or, more often, internal, deep, meaningful. These leave us forever changed.

 

Life, living it, leaves marks (sometimes, just Marks), impressions; scrapes and bumps on flesh are nothing compared to those on brain, or heart.  More complex than ‘hatred leaving ugly ones’ and ‘love leaving beauty marks’, we are cut, scarred and wounded by things in life.  Most heal, some never can; and I wonder why?  Setting ourselves up for fewer scrapes, scars and hurts seems like an obvious ‘safe thing to do’, but that’s not how these things work.  Half-measures, in my view, don’t work.

 

Half-measures, half-hearted effort or half-way done things are never going to make a whole of anything; not that going flat out, giving all, feeling all, guaranteed anything.  Each will leave their share of scars behind – like a fingerprint of our life; no two the same,

 

Life is adventure and feast, life is experience and scars, life is fairy tale. We write the story, we act it out, we live it; and in our mind, as we review the scars that show and all the ones that don’t, we live parts of it again. Some with a tear, most with a smile.

 

Soon, my smile will be a grin again; perhaps wider than my best grin ever. I look forward to that, my eyes will see it, my fingertips will touch it, my body will be ecstatic for it … and I will be scarred in some way; memory etched on face wrinkles and deep inside me. 

 

We are all scarred – life leaves trails on us; whether sleep wrinkles or age wrinkles crease our faces each morning, there are others the mirror doesn’t detect, but they are there all the same. That’s the way these things work.

 

Mark Kolke

325,156

196.0

 

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

 

January 19 Responses 

 

January 19 – VERY LONG NOSES –   Your daughter may be disappointed now, but if you are doing what you believe is right and what will ultimately make you happy, she will eventually understand.  You can’t make yourself unhappy to keep others happy.  In your writings I see a man who follows his heart, I don’t believe you can go wrong with that.  Change is good, but it can test even the strongest.  I may be way off base here, but maybe not. Regarding your "WE ARE ALL REGULAR" article, Bravo Mark.  A political message without a bias, outstanding.  I haven’t seen an article like this in some time.  I love it!!!!, KH, Stuart, FL

January 19 – VERY LONG NOSES –   I have found that it does no good to rethink a “made” decision or to second guess ones’ self. Too much energy is wasted that is needed to keep us going forward rather than taking steps backwards, DK, Edmonton, AB

 

January 19 – VERY LONG NOSES –   Back in the day, those excellent artisans who labored to make the most extraordinary, gorgeous Persian carpets used to make sure they included a tiny mistake in every perfect rug - because "only God is perfect..." and it would have been the height of arrogance to assume a human being could create an object that was perfect, much less a life... We're not here to be perfect or always to do it right - we're here to strive to do
the best we can, with as much wisdom we can muster from experience, with humor and compassion, with a big, big heart. That's you!, WE, Alford, MA

 

January 19 – VERY LONG NOSES –   My grandmother used to say...about the "long noses"...that when these people "spit up in the air it falls back eventually."  Good advice for dealing with long noses in your life (poor things now with spit on their faces)...and very good reason for not becoming one yourself.  If what was said and done was from the heart then all the drama, albeit not the way we wanted it to end up, was for good reason, LP, Wailuku, HI

VERY LONG NOSES - Mark’s Musing Tuesday Jan. 19, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -6C/20F, frozen moonscape, dark perfect clear sky - so dark to the south, hazy white glow to the north (1 million people shed a lot of light) - constellations stood watch as Gusta roamed more new territory while commuters streamed out to the Deerfoot.

 

I’ve gone wrong, not horribly wrong, but wrong so many times I can’t hope to recall; nor want to. Lessons learned only need to be re-re-learned if we didn’t learn from it the first or second time we got that emotional whack to the head.

 

I do not tell all, or tell to all; not to deceive or obscure, but because it’s not everyone’s business to know everything – and that includes closest family members, friends, partners, lovers, and EXs - but somewhere, a line must be drawn - to say, OK, enough.

 

“Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’  Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’” - Charlie Brown (by Charles M. Schulz)

 

Judgment, of a father (me), by his child, over matters trivial – source of laughter, not tears – but over matters of serious wrong done, error made, judgment failed - that’s another matter I doubt I could ever atone.  Not that re-putting self on some pedestal of respect is possible, but once you fall from grace in the eyes of your own children, there is a new perspective that comes to the fore.  Not fun. Real. Sobering.  A little sad.

 

And, on another matter:

 

It would seem, there are those who never commit an error, make a mistake or get caught in an ill-considered statement; they are not satisfied pointing out someone’s error or inconsistency. You know who you are, heartless bastards. When someone treats someone I care about that way, there is little room in my mind for understanding,   I hate smugness; not the person, but once you hate their smugness, you can’t respect them any longer. 

 

‘Better than the rest of us’ - they must be, because they have these very long noses;  they are always looking down, when they view the rest of us.  To delight in own perceptions of purity while pointing, oh so delicately at someone’s error; in itself, no harm.  When they do it over again, not for clarification, but for some spiteful reason, to rub salt in a sore point, then it goes way over any line drawn in any sandbox.

 

If someone does that to me, I get surely or sarcastic – I bite back, but, when you do it to someone I care about, there is no sport in attacking you because you’ve been driven as low as you can be, ever, in anyone’s eyes.  Heartless long nosed bastards.

 

Mark Kolke

325,180   

195.6

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

January 17 – EPICENTER, MAGNITUDE AND AFTER-SHOCK –   Thank you for this post. On a day that should be a day of service, to see images of people reaching out to those in need gives hope. As a friend of mine wrote, the "dream didn't have to be, a dream." Reaching out shows how a dream can bring us together, MD, Arlington, VA

EPICENTER, MAGNITUDE AND AFTER-SHOCK - Mark’s Musing Monday Jan. 18, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -6C/20F, dark sky left from a clear night yields, haltingly, to morning clarity; Deerfoot freeway traffic hum of the leaks to our street, early commuters scraping frosty windows while Gusta’s search for rabbits offers sparse results.

 

‘Whatever your life’s work is, do it well. A man should do his job so well that the living, the dead, and the unborn could do it no better.’ – Marin Luther King, Jr.

 

Abolitionist, slave and writer Frederick Douglass said: ‘It is not the light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.’

 

Do we see change?  Hear it, or experience it?  Change doesn’t come overnight, but slowly, facing all resistance physics and people dug deeply in can offer.  Change happens, in the case of human behavior, at a snail’s pace.  Change happens, in the case of society’s behavior even more slowly (see snail comment above).

 

Change happens, in the case of this planet, over billions of years – until there is a natural disaster for which only the planet can be given credit. Case in point, the earthquake. Not just any earthquake, not the average kind, like California where tremors are so routine they cause little concern day to day.  That is, until quake day.

 

Then words like epicenter, magnitude and after-shock become important words. Earthquakes remind us, so powerfully, that force of nature, or of human nature, cannot be un-done, we can only do what we can to cope, to react, to repair .. and to move on.

 

On MLK day (Martin Luther King Day) I expect to see any US TV network offering steady streams of documentary pieces, about life of a man who died in search of peace and racial harmony, who taught so much, to so many – his upheaval created a generation of enormous transformation. Instead, Haiti earthquake stories – destroyed communities, lives in shambles, families in mourning, where aid is coming but not fast enough.

 

I see actions, Canadians, Americans and many others – reaching out to help their fellow man in time of trouble, without regard to their poverty, race or circumstance – helping because that’s the thing to do, the right thing.

 

Earthquakes will keep happening, MLK and Douglass will continue to be remembered for being the epicenters of so much eventual change, responsible for magnitude of their own lives and influence.  Tremors ongoing.  Waiting for the next quake because massive changes comes less often, but when it does, it’s power is felt and seen everywhere.

 

I think, today, both MLK and Frederick Douglass would smile at these elements of the news, not as part of their legacy, but as a reminder, that times really have changed. They have both been part of an earthquake of change.

 

Those of us who see the world differently because of their sacrifice, we are the ongoing tremors. We shake, rumble and most days don’t do much – but we are, all of us, part of this massive change. They were each epicenter, responsible for magnitude and for so many ongoing after-shocks. Having a day, once a year, to remember and be reminded of something so important is a memorial to greatness – and reminder there are so many forces left to be overcome.

 

Mark Kolke

325,204   

196.0

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

January 17 Responses 

 

January 17 – SOMEONE WAS LISTENING –   Your offering today is about the most poetic I remember. It is so tenderly reminiscent of life, of things gone by, of things here now and of things to come. A move so total as yours accents many changes in experience. Yes, many of us remember with tears the various passages of our lives. With others, it is with quivers, or nearly passionate flights, of joy. Fear not the reactions of others, whether you choose to include them in your journey or not. And your offerings to them are their choice to choose and benefit from, or not. You choose your own way, which is as it should be, EG, Calgary, AB

 

January 17 – SOMEONE WAS LISTENING –   What a lovely gift.  What a memorable time.  A symbolic "burning of the flesh" on the BBQ.  The sharing of old and new and yet to come.  Love, admiration, honor, sincerity.  Ahhh...Mark is clothed in peace...and the silence has become what it is....huge.  Yet another blessing for the road ahead, LP, Wailuku, HI

SOMEONE WAS LISTENING - Mark’s Musing Sunday Jan. 17, 2020

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -10C/13F, afternoon melting ahead (I hope) again, as ice rivers dominate every sidewalk – yet somehow we skated along (by debris, this neighborhood has a lot of dogs and owners who don’t pick up); sky, light . . perfect illumination.

 

Post-script to yesterday’s column: convoluted ways we tell partial-truth borders on fiction, but it’s still the truth, obscured awhile from those we choose not to inform. I’ve don’t that recently.  To hurt some people less, in part to keep some in the dark, in part to keep my business private.  I can imagine how to re-do it or re-live it many different ways I suppose, but nothing changes what’s done.  Staying (not the house or relationship, but the state of mind) was impossible; a bond for breaking, through the start line – not some finish line.

 

Time to reflect on week that was, on life that will be no different tomorrow because it is already so different than just a short time ago. Time for quiet, thoughts, smiles, dreams; and more smiles, more dreams.

 

All of you have your way. And I have mine  I wonder, whether if there is a correct way, for everyone or anyone. It probably doesn’t exist; we just need to do the best we can.

 

Unpacking, from a move, brings old treasures out of dusty corners for a fresh look. That’s good and hard; about memory and learning.

 

Treasures are found in many places; on a beach, in a dream, near, far, kept in a drawer we can open any time, or moments we share with most important people in our lives.  Yesterday was a pure treasure day. My dad came to my new place for dinner; I fired up my gas BBQ, grilled steaks, made an awesome salad which we followed with Gusta’s favorite, moose tracks ice cream.  We talked out recent events, past ones too; we talked about my dream, the fairy tale, we talked about magical things happening, and about to happen - and we talked about truth, and disclosure. We talked about the way things were, the way things are, the way things might soon be.

 

Later, I dug one of those recently unpacked treasure files; I re-read the eulogy I gave at my mother’s funeral; a memory day of images, of who I am, who made me and of what is important in life. I read aloud. Someone was listening.  Tears flowed.

 

The truth is not a statement, or timing, or vantage point – illumination comes slowly, both harshly at times and beautifully at others.  Sunday morning light, streaming in a window, is one of those times.  Time to listen, soft music; read paper, sip coffee, eat bagel.

 

There is quiet, here, now, quiet that is somehow quieter than the usual quiet. Not just Sunday morning quiet.

 

Mark Kolke

325,228   

194.6

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

January 16 Responses 

 

January 16 – A LEAP, NOT A FALL –   A leap, a fall, a step, a pause; you wrote: "I'm not clear yet whether what I did was mostly wrong but for right reasons or the other way round."  I have a feeling knowing which one is true is important.  And I have a feeling one can never truly know the truth of it.  Does the end justify the means?  Or must the means to the end be pure, despite an undesirable end?  Is lying always wrong?  Can one ever imagine a situation where a lie is better than the truth because in the end more good comes about than bad?  Philosophers have debated this for centuries.  In my life, my gut, my dreams, are my guide to right or wrong.  And then, one day in the future, there is hindsight as the final judge. Who will I be? Who will you be?, FO, Kaunakakai, HI

 

A LEAP, NOT A FALL - Mark’s Musing Saturday Jan. 16, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: -4C/24F, pre-dawn quiet windy prairie chill, slip slide skid time with Gusta;  she caught a whiff of giant poodle coming toward us. Switching to the other side of the street minimized pull-factor but failed to discourage her zeal to meet that white giant whose owner faced a similar slip/drag/slide ballet  . .

 

Week began, fresh opportunity unfolding; like any other days when thoughts become ideas, ideas become plans, plans beget actions – and somehow we makes those moments matter.  

 

Several writing projects, file/trash/purge activities – figuring out what best goes where - dominate my agenda. New place morphs to welcoming cozy homey home, where friends and family welcomed are - entertaining will happen too. Mostly new found solitude arrives on demand, by simply thinking it . . . office/writing studio comes together, a bit each day; sights, sounds, things - comfort restlessness, inspire creativity, nurture and surround me – at same time disturb my consciousness enough to question everything …. or nothing at all. 

 

I’ve taken a leap, not a fall; happy stretch to new experience, adventure, change and dialogue – opening up new vistas that amaze and energize. I called out to the universe, universe responded; not everyone shares my joy or thrill at what comes next - time to start, again; beginning is all I know so far, some characters in next chapter have shown up, way over there on my west horizon. When I’ve least expected – scene change - from a walk on the beach to a walk in my world right here; where I live.

 

You see, I didn’t leave the day I packed up. I’d been gone, not long, but gone before the end came. Mind gone, dreams moving on while my body was still going through motions of routine, easy and obligatory, creating ‘no-change’ had its comfort as much as discomfort.  My move this week was not product of what happened in the last two or three weeks.

 

Like deer-facing-headlights, I’ve had those experiences (maybe you have too) when, in grip of trouble; feeling trapped by choices or circumstance, we cannot just see that best chances are ones we’ve not yet taken, best risks are ones we avoided, best fears are ones we confront, best years are ahead, best days are counted-down ones . .

 

I can’t just revel in the fun to come, nuances of joy and play and transformation. I’ve been, with justification, called to account, to self examination, to look at recent actions; to own up, stand up, admit, call it what it was; to answer what made a relationship, that one, end; what caused failure, fissures, departure? 

 

But it couldn’t last. Cuffs weren’t on me, I could leave any time; but I’d stayed well beyond when my welcome wore out or when I should have. I probably would have stayed longer had I not had a powerful rut rupturing experience.  Change started, mysteriously, miraculously, slowly, randomly un-constructed - long before that.  Life, not stark, seems that way sometimes; more than black, white or gray, when doom casts shadows, I found my mind straying from the road - wandering between my wishes for what might have been and what never was – in the tropical colors of paradise.  More than vacation epiphany, better than inspiration, I had a beautiful life-altering wake up. Even then, knowing my life path had changed, I stayed on, rationalizing ‘not wrecking Christmas’ for people who would soon hate me anyway was reason enough. Looking back it was more timing tactic than admission of reality. I’m not clear yet whether what I did was mostly wrong but for right reasons, or the other way round.

 

Everywhere I look around my life, and my history, my family, my dear friends; I have reminders that love is not written down – but etched on faces where it sinks in, often disappearing but it is there to be found … or it finds us; it seems, wherever we go there is an end of the day scene to be followed by another beginning – so many seem the same, but we know they are not. Some are just days, others, days that make the difference of a lifetime.

 

Mark Kolke

325,252

194.7

 

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

January 15 Responses 

 

January 15 – BE AFFECTED BY IT – Thank you for the movie clip! Take care and continue to enjoy the ride, despite the bumps and turns it still a great ride, GD, Edmonton, AB

 

January 15 – BE AFFECTED BY IT – I saw Validated on Louise's blog yesterday and loved it. I even Twittered it, MD, Arlington, VA

 

January 15 – BE AFFECTED BY IT – Way cool Mark...because YOU are AWESOME!!!!!!! (Pan camera in for a close up of the closing smooch), LP,  Wailuku, HI

 

January 15 – BE AFFECTED BY IT – re: "Palin's God laughs at critics" In reading Margaret Carlson's feature article today, something hit a chord. Hope all is great with you, I’m really getting some personal growth out of your musing.  It’s making me think A LOT!!!, KH, Stuart, FL

BE AFFECTED BY IT - Mark’s Musing Friday Jan. 15, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: 0C/32F, calm, clear; melting day awaits, Gusta enjoying each stroll down a different street or park path … while I’m struggling on ice just to say upright..

 

Week ago, chapter of my life closing; a week from now, next one unfolding. For now semblance of order, equilibrium, returning; all those boxes, finally migrated from previous place to new place, from car to garage .. and contents of those remaining in the garage will find their respective places in a filing cabinet, in the basement, to a drawer or the trash over the next few days. Spread throughout are so many memories to savor, stories to re-tell, issues to look at.

 

I’ve written some bits lately circling around some issues best described as: truth has consequences, and so does misleading ourselves. Ruminations give rise to questions that go deep to the root of understanding myself; sometimes people hold up a mirror for me to examine my past harshly, sometimes someone observes things and issues around which I show passion and industry.  Or, both of those in a single day as I did yesterday. I can’t help but be affected by it.

 

When I/we wake up to it is of little consequence; passion for something in our lives doesn’t have to be loud or big or obvious – but when it is burned deep inside us it guides our every thought, decision and plan.  This came up on a discussion last night; about things that ‘drive’ me, issues I have passion for . . . not defined in a single sentence or an occupational description. Mine is wrapped up, an entwined mix of things that matter most.  Most people who get to know me see it.

 

I believe that most people we know have theirs lurking just beneath the surface, not necessarily acknowledged or validated.  We deserve that. 

 

Awakening to our passions in life happens to some people while, sadly, too many never find theirs at all. I think that kind of awakening to our potentiality is one of the most important things we do.  It matters little when it happens, early in life, late in the day or in the middle of the night.  What matters is that we figure it out, that we be affected by it.

 

If your passion is lurking but not clearly identified, if your spark has dimmed or if your light feels blown out, get VALIDATED.  Yes, validated – just invest 16 minutes and 23 seconds of your life in watching this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao  c’mon, less than 17 minutes – it’s less than a coffee break and it might just lift you from wherever you are to a new high.  Watch it because I said so, or watch it because you are curious or watch it because you’ll recognize the main actor in this film. It doesn’t matter why you watch it, just watch it – and allow yourself to be affected by it.

 

Mark Kolke

325,276

194.4

 

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

 

 

 

January 14 Responses 

 

January 14 – REFLECTING THE COMPLEXITIES – You are looking at beautiful, panoramic vistas now when you only saw trees and joggers before.  There is a Portuguese saying that goes, "Aguas passadas nao movem moinhos" which means, "Past waters don't power mills."  Stillness, discovery, serenity and beauty are a few streaming moments of now....that does.  Blessings counted?, LP, Wailuku, HI

 

January 14 – REFLECTING THE COMPLEXITIES - Mark, hearing your introspections prompts me to share a simple guide, "The Four Agreements: to Master the Dream of Your Life" by Don Miguel Ruiz. This has helped me to greatly simplify solutions when I've violated my own integrity, and is a roadmap of how to get back on track quickly to move forward. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD: Say only what you mean; speak your truth with integrity. DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY: Nothing other's do is because of you; they project their own reality...

REFLECTING THE COMPLEXITIES - Mark’s Musing Thursday Jan. 14, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: 2C/36F, calm, overcast; we walked to ‘the point’, a place nearby that overlooks the river valley to the south, way out east to the breaking horizon … sun up time … and all the way over to the mountains in the west – about a 210 degree panorama which is a stunning view while Gusta seemed to only be concerned with the panorama of odor.

 

My landlord’s dad came by to touch up some paint and adjust a door; nice man, Gusta got an unexpected scratching from a dog lover - so this morning’s column is published late ….

 

Looking rearward, unable to alter things that were done, how can I make something right when it was, in retrospect, plainly wrong? I can’t fix what I did last year any more than I can fix what I did more than twenty years ago – but I must repair some damage. 

 

I wonder what a smarter  man would have done? I wish I’d been smarter, better, clearer  and honest with myself, with others, and done it sooner. Truth should have been told - sooner, reality faced sooner; an ending should have come sooner, but it didn’t happen that way.   As with many things in life, choices are often made with emotion riddled illogic when foreseeable consequences are deliberately/conveniently overlooked. I did all that.

 

Regret?  Some, lots, none – depending on the facet of each issue I examine, of each choice made.  Expediency is/is not a character flaw? It is by-product of doing what we want rather than what we know is right.  I’ve had some recent and relevant experience to drive this home with me.  Doing right thing, at right time, in right way - sounds easy. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t make sense. And yet it does.

 

What are the rules?  You know, the ones on human behavior as enforced by the mirror – and what do we do when we’ve failed those we love, to reclaim actions that cannot be reversed?  I can’t re-order, re-do or re-live things that are done. Things that occurred happened the way they did, between parties who did what they did – not with foresight or wisdom, without logic or consideration of all consequences.

 

I was reminded yesterday, that the best fairy tales have good parts and not so good parts - contrast and conflict, reflecting the complexities that are life.  The reminder came in the form of conflict with someone close to me.   I can’t fix actions retroactively my rationalizing a more convenient view – I can only commit to do a better job today.  Failure to be pure, correct or proper – my error – reflects on others connected with my actions – on actions I don’t, for the most part, find myself regretting.

 

But there are consequences, and root causes that run deeper than timing issues … separating symptom from issue is hard. I don’t have a time machine fixit kit, so my mirror, my daughters and my conscience will have to work things out. I believe we will.

 

Mark Kolke

325,300

195.4

 

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

January 13 Responses 

 

January 13 – PHOTOGRAPHS AND MEMORIES –Sometimes an emotionally painful move leaves one standing in the middle of the new place, seemingly rootless.  Treasures, those packed away for so long (and especially the photos), re-root or help one rediscover the path to earlier roots. Treasures from the most recent experience, the happiness from those times bring warm fuzzies. One day at a time, one step at a time and time heals, the pain eases. Meanwhile, Gusta has lots of love to share.  JW-Calgary/Cochrane, AB

 

January 13 – PHOTOGRAPHS AND MEMORIES –Yes, Mark. The best two words in your conclusion. "Lucky me." And luckier still,......because you truly know it, LAR, Winnipeg, MAN

PHOTOGRAPHS AND MEMORIES - Mark’s Musing Wednesday Jan. 13, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: 2C/36F, overcast, steady breeze, lots of ice to dodge; snow receded a lot these last few days, but water has nowhere but the lovely channel of the sidewalks to flow,  part river, part lake, part skating rink … my tungsten studded grippers and Gusta’s toe nails are of no effect. We romped snow banks and explored yet another street.

 

I’ve left memories behind; but, mostly I’ve packed them up and moved them here – they comfort me, warm me up, sustain me – as they have many times before when life delivered a dip in the road. I am reminded these dips are healthy things to experience, they get us from beginning to end, like pausing commas in a sentence. I left a path that wasn’t mine to follow, I left that place, I left that time - I left them behind, but I packed some of the PB memories. Packed away. For now. Examining the lessons contained in them are best, I think, examined from a distance – in time, in geography and in perspective.

 

Overwhelming (in nice way), arrival –part new stage/next stage in my life; so much to come, so much to do … but first, I need calm steadiness, for a little while; like walking around in unfamiliar new clothes, it takes getting used to, a short time until it feels completely comfortable. It quickly becomes familiar, then it occupies less conscious thought, even though it is all part of me.

 

Yesterday’s move – endless trek up and down stairs (ankles, knees, and wrists feel very middle-aged this morning) … arthritis swollen fingers recall every box lift. Need more Advil.

 

Establishing, or re-establishing, routine for me – probably one of the nicest elements of moving, together with a ‘thing’ reunion; furniture that had been in storage, things that had been closeted away, put away or hidden away as ‘poor fits for décor’ see light of day again, and I see them.  I’m not materialistic (I’ve been shedding lots in recent years) but, this morning, it is so nice to walk around, and to sit among my things.  It feels like a homecoming, of photographs and memories (Jim Croce said it well) . Every piece has memory attached to it, every photo filled box has thousands of memories of everyone there; of parents and children, grandparents and trips – things bought here, or there, the time and place of each roars back to life at first sight, first sit – the quiet of night does nothing to silence them. 

 

Grasping meaning from things is sometimes a struggle; sometimes it hits like lumber to the forehead.  I think the words that fit best for me, today, are these from Carl Jung: ‘The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.’

 

Morning calm arrived early; it is here, no need to rush, postponed work will have me at the grindstone, head down, butt up … re-establishing equilibrium; sorting box contents into office will be my ‘unpack project’ today.  This move went particularly well (except my large desk did not make it up the stairs – so main floor is its new home), upstairs office is improv theatre for the moment; and I must buy SOS pads today (three big shops and still I’ve forgotten them each time) .. and more Advil.

 

I’ll make new memories here.

 

Arrival, in a new place.

Arrival, at this next stage.

Arrival, at a taking off point.

Arrival, like at an airport – where dreams take flight, and precious treasures arrive.

 

Lucky me.

 

Mark Kolke

325,324   

196.0

 

 

 

RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

 

January 12 Responses 

 

January 12 – THE MORNING – At one period in my life and after some reflection, found that I had moved my “place of sleeping” seven times over the span of four years. Moving becomes very efficient, both in what you move and keep, and what you leave behind. I don’t think the boxes truly ever became totally unpacked, DK, Edmonton, AB

 

January 12 – THE MORNING – Hope your moving day goes smooth and relatively pain free. By tonight it should feel like home as you collapse into an exhausted satisfied sleep, EC, Chicago, IL

January 12 – THE MORNING – The (Moving) Morning -  Your melodic words of  -moving on , moving forward, moving away -resonate so clearly to me (and I am sure to many others) of how the physical "moving" day/days are so significantly psychological.  Although the impetus to move on at a particular time in our life is not always self-driven , it becomes a memorable life event as that point in time ....or you say.....THE MORNING WHEN_____.  I recall now in my own personal journey the time of the last physical move, just over a year ago when I urgently needed to leave the family home shared with my late spouse. A place where we had shared the joys/tribulations of raising a family, but a place that I felt was tying me to the past.   There was no joy associated with the move......just a taxing task that needed to be done , minimally soothed by the prospect of the nice new surroundings. But  the job was undertaken and completed. Necessary purging of both belongings and emotions was done.  In somewhat similar fashion to your recent/present process.  Now though,  with growing anticipation and excitement our next move(teen daughter and I) will soon be upon us.(May 2010)  It has only occurred to me now, after reading your words, that although the "leaving behind" occurred in Nov 2008, the "moving forward" begins in the new home in May 2010.......essentially an 18 month period that "moves" me from one point in my life to the next.  Someday years from now I may not quite remember "Moving Day" but more the time period of "Moving On". Today, I wish for you extra strength in your muscles, extra patience with repetitive wrist actions of box opening (searching for 1 NEEDED item), and a pleasant reward at the end of the day that will allow you a comfy chair to recline in with a fully-assembled stereo sound system to "Mozart" you, LAR, Winnipeg, Man.

THE MORNING - Mark’s Musing Tuesday Jan. 12, 2010

today’s Musing  written and published from Cranston in south- east  Calgary, near the Bow River valley

 

Morning walk: 6C/43F and warming, overcast, big wind (28km/hr plus gusts) blowing hard; slush-puppy describes Gusta the wonder/water dog, no puddle too small to avoid … our adventure exploring Cranston streets begins. Yesterday I was amazed at how many people I saw out with young children and large dogs – Gusta will love it here.

 

The morning after; first day of two, boxes I elected to leave, telling myself ‘I’ll haul them upstairs in the morning’ was stupid because they got so much heavier overnight.  Challenge of finding anything – like the two files I MUST find first thing elude me; last night I unpacked four boxes of clothes before I found clean sweats, two more to find a towel – this morning I have no idea how many I’d have to unpack to find my bathroom scale; it can wait . .

 

Must go, tic-toc, boxes to unpack so I can take the empty ones to pack some more of ‘the files’ before movers come for today’s heavy (furniture) lifting.

 

Sleeping on a floor, as Gusta does every night (she’s taken a fancy to the lower stair landing – keeping her up one riser from the hardwood), I rationalized a floor’s firmness, with something cozy to keep me warm plus a pillow would fix my sore-back; this offered some relief but left me with seized up back at morning – but, less severe thanks to Advil.

 

‘Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.’ – Albert Einstein

 

Albert was right; what he might not have fully appreciated is that moving – is part treatment, part cure, part distraction. Without it there would be analysis/paralysis time, brooding time, re-thinking time .. and who has time to debate who did/did not do the heavy lifting when it’s time for more heaving lifting when moving?

 

Moving, if just about moving, a task un-appealing as root canal in a snow storm; moving in this part of the world in mid-winter is just plain crazy.  While I can’t complain about the weather, I can’t pass by the reality of change.

 

But moving toward something new, moving onward, moving forward, moving change, moving away from the recent past to the immediate future - well, it is quite simply, very moving.  Each step, followed by another step, each day, followed by another day - and soon, you will be here – I keep telling myself that; settling in will be fine …

 

So many times in our lives we can say: I remember distinctly ‘THE MORNING’ …. when _______ .   We all have those; and we keep on making more of those spectacular memories.

 

But, for now, I must keep moving . .

 

Mark Kolke

325,348   

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RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca

 

 

January 11 Responses 

 

January 11 – CLARITY WILL COME – Mark: With a heavy heart I am moving in a parallel fashion with you. P & I have  just parted ways. Very unfortunate how it all unfolded...a mutual friend felt it was in my better interest to divulge info regarding a recent trip P had taken to Thailand.  Enough said...but it leaves me wondering if there is some flaw in my character that attracts me to men who profess monogamy but are really incapable of same.  Hope the physical transition is smooth for you. I always find the exercise of moving to be very cleansing  and brings order of sorts to my life. (albeit a pain in the butt)!  Thinkin of you. Fondly, JH, Kelowna, BC

 

January 11 – CLARITY WILL COME - Dear Mark, just wanting you to know I'm thinking of you, and reminding you that you have many, many friends. There's something about this new form of friendship that you have helped to create through your musings that may help sustain you in this, perhaps one of the most difficult, time. With love, WE, Pittsfield, MA