today’s Musing written and published from
Morning walk: -13C/8F, more light snow overnight, clearing later (I hope) after 5days straight days without seeing the sun, Gusta exploring the field across the way – inspecting every critter track of leaving – forensic dog on the hunt for evidence of who was where, and when they were . .
When that which is done, is done, there is reason – always – for looking back, but not for being angry because it serves no purpose, there is no ‘returning life for a refund’, no do-over time; my complaint hot-line is not answering. Caring people remind me to forgive myself and move on. Forgiveness is good. There are no ruins or regret debris piled up – no falling off its edge, this world is not flat, or fair, or easy – nor is it any tougher than we, ourselves, make it. Feeling good or bad is choice. I choose good.
No dress rehearsal - real thing, full-meal-deal, every day - life is not about winning or losing, or worrying, or not. It is doing what we want to do until it stops.
Until then, that is all there is.
For so many yesterdays, I struggled to describe what I saw …. today, I struggle less; to describe feelings of complete calm and easy joy, better than most, better yet is around the corner; learning new approaches to situations, to life - I’ll keep dreaming my impossible dreams, smiling at life in hopes it keeps smiling back at me. I’ll keep being ‘not normal’.
The view from here is like weather, ‘subject to change’, always, because life does not arrive, or unfold, as advertised. New information arrives daily. That is good. We don’t want to get too comfortable, because so much can change so quickly.
Don’t we just want a long conversation, with someone we love – someone who loves us too, of course – a conversation that lasts hours or weeks or months, yet still seems too short?
To the one who asks of me: ‘who will you be?’; I’m not who I used to be.
Sometimes, it seems to me, as if life is a practical joke that forces us to look at our foibles, our issues, our ability to change a few things – contrasted with so many things we can do nothing about but to be patient; it involves man, woman, time, distance, laughter, tears, learning, un-learning – an incredible recipe that keeps getting better, every time we make it. Last night, I prepared a meal KT taught me; it keeps getting better, ingredients always shift a little, balance shifts too; nutrition, harmony, taste – those chicken breasts stuffed with roasted red peppers and boconcini cheese, smothered in sautéed veggies, roasted, tasted, savored.
There is more, of course; learning much and feeling much make this life much more worth living that it used to be, make it deeper, richer, more open to possibilities than before. And my drives are strong, driven – to write the words and speak the truth.
If nothing else, then that.
Mark Kolke
325,012
195.2
RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca
January 25 Responses
January 25 – THE WAY WE ARE – Mark, Understanding love, is the most difficult challenge of my life; and I'm a therapist specializing in relationships! My Canadian man left today after five days visiting me, coming all the way across the country from
January 25 – THE WAY WE ARE - To understand love... oh my how it eludes me try as I may. I have loved so fully and have been wounded so badly ...all in the name of "love". Believe it or not (even tho I am feeling somewhat jaded) I cling to the time worn words "tis better too have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I have marginal faith that I will find true love one day. My best to you , my dear while you face transition. Fondly, JH,
January 25 – THE WAY WE ARE - At least you are in the hunt. You care about understanding. You muse on it. You recognize intricacies and subtleties and contradictions. My guess is you will die happy some distant day even if you don't "understand" love because you have lived with it., SS,
January 25 – THE WAY WE ARE - As someone once wrote, "We live out our lives in quiet desperation," or words to that effect. It seemed so easy and simple earlier. You grow up get married, have children, live happily ever after. Work play etc. Then reality comes through the doors, windows and the colder (freezing) breeze or equally the warmth of people, and voila, things change. An upside down life for a while until you get your bearings and always someone helps you upright your cart and gets you moving. You also help those and a few others if you are fortunate. Sometimes it seems it is all loss, you cannot even seem to focus where you are. And we are all to some degree One part this, one part that. Do we not understand much, and just know the sun outlives the storm. Today, well I will just kept looking ahead while remembering the lessons. Sometimes the lessons suck, sometimes I get and understand. I said something to someone yesterday and now I don't know where I am "at" with them. I am not sure of how to communicate or do I wait. Did the message get confused by the messenger? I have been told let it take care of itself, but doesn't a person need to do or say something to get going in life? I guess the answers will come and I hope I have the ears to hear and the eyes to see, the common sense not to betray the senses. However, we just had a great dose of winter and I was able to participate in cleaning some driveways and get around without to much difficulty. I get home and read your stuff today and find I am not the only one waking at night. Thank you for helping me get out of my snowdrift, KN, ?, SK
January 25 – THE WAY WE ARE - What I hear you say in the column is that you are working through a great deal of ambiguity associated with this new direction/choice you have made. What I am not hearing is any FORGIVENESS for yourself in respect these choice/errors/occurrences/mis-appropriations etc. etc. It’s time to do just that. Un-interrupted sleeps will return.......and the musing moments will have a different focus. A reminder to forgive yourself a little bit more. Makes you a human who is courageous enough to be that, live that and speak about it to boot. Too few around who can live through their own questioning of life..........remembering that we all make mistakes and inappropriate choices.......but still know that that's the way life flows. That's why you keep me coming back! Remember "The Desiderata" - With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. For what it's worth....... and with the utmost respect, LAR,
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