today’s Musing written and published from south
Morning walk: -14C/6F, light clouds, Gusta sniffing hard, moving slow – until lap-dog with jogger in tow pulled us off course. Gym trip, seeing myself in many mirrors, middle-aged half-hearted workout wannabe; sight of many in worse shape, comforting, but given I work off more pounds in steam room than on treadmill, I shouldn’t talk.
What went wrong? Hard to see. Lots, little, nothing - depending on issue, viewpoint, viewer. What went right? Lots, but that isn’t the issue. Clearly seen, that gap appears wider than it did before. Did we each imagine a narrower gap or that spanning it would be easier? Perhaps. Did we each expect the other to compromise or change? Obviously.
Looking back, lots of things didn’t go wrong. They went right, went well, went happily. I can’t see them any other way. But, rosy hindsight doesn’t correct for truth or inevitability.
Personification of dignity, grace, style, class and taste, she is kind, caring, generous and valued friend to all who know her. And to me. She’s loved me and cared for me in these unique ways for a long time. And I for her in my ways. Two very nice people who care and cared for each other very much.
Compromise is hardest when it requires us to alter who we are, or path we want to travel in life. Paths, very different paths, diverge …. words don’t fix things or alter paths that are laid in place. The challenge - wrest ourselves from a path – to travel the other’s path, or a third path we could invent. Recognizing we didn’t, is full of feelings, joys and hurts.
Space between - we would bridge in our mind - lifestyles, hopes, plans, dreams. No one at fault. But, I own responsibility for pushing, for articulating my need to follow my path to point of breaking her. She doesn’t deserve that. We are just two people, tired, weary of struggle - waking up to reality. Our chosen paths are different. Coming weeks will bring change. I’m looking for a new place to live. I’ve been invited to move on.
I’ve sown the seeds of this. What we face now - began a long time ago, we just didn't know it then. It didn’t go horribly wrong, or off course. A gap didn’t suddenly widen, it’s been there. All along, there were always two paths. We were on them when we met. Two sets of expectations, two sets of assumptions. They’ve not changed much (the paths), but maybe the people traveling them have, our understanding of each other has too.
Recognizing inevitability of paths, need to go in different directions, is difficult and painful adjustment to expectations. Whether that recognition comes into focus slowly as it has for me, or more quickly in recent months as it has for her, it still hurts; bringing with it second guessing and rear-view mirror stares, wondering ‘where did things go wrong?’.
Still, path-gap is substantial. Hard to see, just now, if it got wider, or if it just got clearer.
Mark Kolke
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RESPONSES/COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME; send to musing@maxcomm.ca
December 27 Responses
December 27 – I’M DONE – I can relate in a BIG way about the need for quiet. I have a difficult time knowing what is fair to ask for especially since I live with a full blown project oriented doer! Honestly it drives me mad sometimes! My choice is to get up at 4:30am. I do get quiet time then. It's my choice. Now to do what I know I need to do for myself...anyway thank you for your thoughts today. Perhaps I am not as unreasonable in this area as I thought. Blessings, PT,
December 27 – I’M DONE – I spend a lot of time at the office. Nuf said, KK, Calgary, AB
December 27 – I’M DONE – Happy New Year Mark, enjoying your musings arriving on my Blackberry. Have had lots to say, but only a wee keyboard to say it and lots of holiday distractions kept me away from that. JW-Calgary/Cochrane
December 27 – I’M DONE – Face it Mark...you're irritated...with everything that is currently going on and with anything that could be remotely connected with everything that's going on. I am sure that all of these sounds were here the last time they were on but you did not notice them as irritations then. Today you do. You are in a state of wuziwuzi. You got yourself here...all by yourself. Can't blame others or things for it. You are the owner of all thought and emotion. Get in your car and drive to a quiet place...an hour will do...or at least until the clothes are dry and Elvis has left the building. I am sure that Canada has some serene places perfect for meditation...go there...and think of what triggered this, LP, Wailuku, HI
December 27 – I’M DONE – I'm not quite sure of the best approach to respond to what you have to offer today, but let me say this: I have spent the entire weekend doing a bunch of online work solving an unexpected particular medical problem that has just raised its head, but which is of some urgency. I would rather, like you, have been doing something else. May we all have a wonderful rest of the season, and a fresh start for the New Year, EG,
December 27 – I’M DONE – I'm now admiring Mark, thanks for posting this!, Las Vegas, NV
December 27 – I’M DONE – Your column says it all. When I am overfilled with stress, anxiety, worry, uncertainty..... every little thing becomes so huge.... doesn't matter that I am aware of my irritableness.... doesn't matter that I know I am not calm, cool, collected... I am so full I can't or won't control it. At those moments it just matters that the phone rings, the grandson is foolish, the bills are unending, the kitchen won't clean itself, the dog is hard headed, the weeds are growing too fast. For me, getting to the boiling over point often settles me right back down again...if I'm lucky, EC,
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